Birthdays and Triggers
Last weekend we celebrated Mark’s 28th birthday. I want to share some tips and ideas on how to celebrate your living child when another child has passed. Those dates even for your child still here on this earth may bring up emotions and triggers.
Allow yourself time and space to just be with the emotions you are experiencing. Breathe and feel and give yourself a bit of time to just sit with those emotions.
As most of you know by now I am an early morning person. On Saturday I was as usual up with my cup of tea, my journal, and my special pen I use for journaling. I thought about Mike and the fact that he didn’t get to turn 28. He didn’t get to get married and he would not be at dinner with the family. I cried. I journaled about my feelings and I just let myself feel it all. The sadness, the longing to see my son, the pain of his loss. I also thought of how much I love him. I thought of the goofy things he said and did. I thought of how he loved his little brother and how close they were, but how much they could and did fight. I laughed at jokes he made and I just let myself feel all of it. I looked at the collections of stones, feathers, and other things that I know were left for me by Mike to feel close to him.
Then I got up, showdered, changed clothes, put on makeup and went to the store to buy a birthday card and the bank to add money to it, and met my son, his wife, step mother, dad and little brother for a meal to celebrate Mark. We laughed, we talked, threatened to tell the waitress to sing to Mark, and enjoyed being with him to celebrate HIM!
Then as is very typical of a 28 year old who is newly married with no kids he left to go meet up with friends to share a beer or 2 for his birthday. I ran a few errands and went home to continue my Saturday.
By allowing myself the chance to just sit and be alone with my thoughts and feelings I honored Michael on that day by remembering him and his goofy smile and sense of humor.
By allowing myself the chance to just sit and be alone with my thoughts I honored Mark by being able to focus on him and not want to talk about his brother. Sure, Mike was mentioned during our dinner,and we laughed at some of the things we would imagine he’d be saying. However we focused on Mark and all the great things happening in his life, and all the great things that have happened in the last year.
So when those feelings come up and they will. You will of course be thinking “what would he/she be doing?” “would they have gotten married?” 'Would she have had a baby by now?’ Allow yourself some time and space to think and feel all of the emotions. Write it out in a brain dump and get it out on paper. If you are concerned that someone will read it you can write and rip. The point of the brain dump is to get it down on paper and out of your head. Simply thinking about it doesn’t work. The act of physically writing it down and moving through the thoughts/feelings does.
Lastly at the end of the day write down 3 things that went well that day. For me it was the fact that 1. I went to dinner with my ex husband and his wife. 2. That no one argued, and 3. I brought home leftovers for the next days lunch! Mark had requested only 1 birthday dinner and I agreed. I did some self coaching and journaled and visualized how it would look. And it went just as I had visualized it in my head. The conversation was good and we all looked like one big happy family. And of course, no one remembered to take a photo.
If you are wondering if it is even possible to live again after your child has died. I am proof that you can learn how to enjoy your life again. If you have no clue where to start I can help. When you are ready, schedule a free 30 minute telephone call and together we can decide if we are a good fit to work together.
I am a life coach who helps women learn to live again after child loss. I help them search for things that might bring them joy.When you are ready I would love to work with you.