Confessions
I am going to be totally honest with you. I know I can because as one grieving mother to another our hearts are forever entwined. I know you will understand where I am coming from.
Tomorrow is May 27th. Exactly 6 ½ years since my son left this world.
When I look at the date on a calendar or hear it outloud my heart and my mind still go back to that awful day when my world as I knew it ended. 6 ½ years later I still want to go back and change the outcome. If only I had done, said, or did maybe he wouldn’t have died. Certain days I just need to take some time out and do some self care and remind myself that I did the best that I could with what I knew.
I wouldn’t have done anything out of the ordinary, because it was an ordinary day. Why would I have thought to go wake him up after working a 16 hour shift? It was a normal day and I did what I always would have done. Mike died in his sleep. I was at his house. I got his dog. Took her to the dog park. Brought her home and opened the door to let her back in. All the while thinking Mike was asleep. Had I woken him up he would have said some not so nice things to me. I did what I always did, never imagining he was not just sleeping. Over the years I have agonized over what if I had woken him up? Why as a nurse, did I not realize he wasn’t just asleep? The truth is I did what I always did, because I had no reason to think anything else was going to happen.
I worry constantly that I will lose another family member. I always want to hear back from them when I text or call. If they don’t respond within a reasonable amount of time I am stalking them and checking in on socials to see if they’ve checked in anywhere recently. I sent Mike a text that fateful Sunday morning. One that never got answered. At the time I thought nothing about it. He’d see it when he woke up. But he never woke up.
I worry that I will die and leave my other son without his mother. I have anxiety attacks when I am driving on a highway and traffic is heavy.
I really want to go to weddings, and graduations, and baby showers. I really want to be happy for my nieces and my friends’ children. I truly want to celebrate with you. But I am also insanely jealous of you.If you see me crying or walking out of your special occasions know I truly am happy for you. My emotions are just raw enough that I need to just step away and grieve for a moment.
I want to scream when I hear other parents complain about their kids. I know I did it too. I had days, moments, that I loved my child, but in the moment I didn’t LIKE him all that much. I would take the messy room, the attitude, everything to bring him back and have more time with him.
I talk to him every single day. I ask him to come visit me and send me signs he is near. I have a cool collection of things I know he placed in my path for me to find to let him know he is still with me.
My heart hurts every single day. But I have found a way to live with both grief and love. I have found out that life can be good again and I can enjoy my life.
I want to let you know that is OK to be OK! For years I would have told you “It’s OK to not be OK.” But now I will tell you it is OK to laugh. It is ok to have fun. It is ok to choose to live after your child has died.
It is possible to live with grief and love. I am a good example. If you want to figure out how to live again after your child has died I can help you! Sign up for a free 30 minute phone consultation and together we will see if we are a good fit to work together.
XOXO,
Coach Laura