It is OK to be OK
We’ve all read the book and for many years I used the phrase often “It is ok to not be ok.” What I want to propose to you is that It is OK to be OK. You might not believe me especially if you are new on this journey of child loss. But I promise you that you can learn to live with grief and love and that it is OK to be OK. The first time you laugh after your child has died you might feel guilty and think “I can’t laugh, my child has died”. But you can laugh and you can live and you can find a bit of peace and hope after your child has died. I didn’t think it was possible either.
My oldest son passed away in his sleep on November 27, 2016. Just 4 days before his 24th birthday. He worked as a 911 dispatcher. He worked 2 16 hour shifts in a row. Went home to sleep and when his roommates tried to wake him up to watch football he was gone and life as I knew it was forever changed.
For 4 long years I turned to alcohol and food to try to numb out and forget the reality of my life. I would wake up. Go to work. Paste on a fake smile and pretend everything was ok. All the while counting down the hours until I could go home and drink wine. I wanted to forget. However, what I found was that grief doesn’t go away with a bottle of wine. It hangs out behind the door waiting for you to sober up and jumps out at you to say “I am still here!”
In 2020 I found myself sick and tired of myself. I would over do everything. Drinking, eating, scrolling on facebook, watching netflix shows and Hallmark movies. I was sitting around watching other people live and not really living myself. I wanted to figure out how to live again but I had no clue that it was even possible to live after losing a child.
I knew it wasn’t good for me to drink an entire bottle of wine every evening. But I didn’t have the skills I needed to break the cycle. I literally was waking up, working, drinking until I fell asleep. Rinse and Repeat. Day after day after day.
I decided that I still have 30-40 more years on this earth and I don’t want to spend them miserable and alone. I wanted to figure out how to laugh again. I made up my mind that 2021 was the year I would figure it out. But I had no clue where to start.
At some point you may feel that you want to begin to live again. All of our journeys will be different, and our journeys back to the land of living will all look different too.
For me, I hired a therapist and a life coach. My therapist helped me deal and learn from the past and gave me the skills to live in the now. My life Coach was my cheerleader and She taught me how to manage my mind and my thoughts to create the future that I so desperately wanted.
I learned to take care of myself. I learned it is ok to accept help in the forms of medication if it is truly needed. I learned that even when all I want to do is sit on the couch and cry, putting on my shoes and getting out in nature was a great way to feel better. Even a short walk helps. I learned to take care of myself. I made lists of things that I could do when my thoughts and feelings had me spiraling out of control. I keep that list handy to review it when I am having what I call a “Mike day”. My Mike day protocol looks something like this; Do some deep breathing and just feel all of the feelings, Writing all the things I am thinking and getting them out of my head and on to paper, reading a book, calling a trusted friend, taking a warm bath, going for a walk, looking through albums or videos can help some people. Making sure I eat nutritious food and drink plenty of water, giving back to a stranger. I have done things like purchase meals, coffee, and left money at random spots in the grocery store trusting that the universe will guide whoever needs it most will find it. I’ve paid for birthday cakes anonymously by attaching gift cards to the boxes for the person coming in to buy the cake. At the end of every day I look for 3 things that went well and I write them down. I have a gratitude journal. In the beginning it might have been that I remembered to shower and change my underwear. It included things like I drank more water than wine today, and I talked to my friend. As time goes by my gratitude journal has changed and evolved and I have a great resource to page through and read about the good things that I have been able to accomplish when I choose to look for the good in life.
Find what works for you on those days and keep that list handy so in the midst of grief, sadness and overwhelm you know who you can call, and how you can take care of yourself.
As the seasons of sadness and grief ebb and flow you can find a way to love honor, grieve for your deceased child all while loving, supporting, and sharing life with your living children. I encourage you to find a support group of people who are in your life and can help you learn how to live with profound loss. There is no replacement for those people who just understand and get you. They can share tips, ideas and what worked and what didn’t work for them. They will tell you, if you try it and it doesn’t work you don’t have to do it again. You can learn to set boundaries and what you are willing to do and what you aren’t willing to do or accept. You will have a plan to get you through holiday parties and family gatherings. You will learn it is ok to say “no” to things that don't support you.
For me it was reading countless books of grief and healing after child loss. It was also allowing myself to be vulnerable and opening up my honest thoughts and feelings to a therapist. And to share my struggles with a life coach who was able to teach me tools to help me learn to manage my mind and taught me how to choose to live with both grief and love. She taught me how to process the urges to drink alcohol and she helped me develop a list of things to do instead of spending my days in the fog of alcohol and hangovers. She taught me it is ok to laugh and to love while still grieving my son.
None of our journeys will look exactly the same, but as you peel away the layers of the onion you can make the choice to figure out how to live again, and you can have resources available and people willing to walk with you and teach you the skills will need in your toolbox that will help you make the choice to learn how to be ok. I will be honest. It isn’t easy, and it will take some time, and a lot of effort but to wake up and think “I can’t wait to get this started” versus “oh crap,I woke up and it’s another day that I can’t face getting out of bed is truly an amazing way to start the day.
I will never ever stop loving or missing my son. But I have learned it is ok to be ok and it is also at times ok to not be ok. Life is 50/50 of good and bad. And I am choosing to embrace all of it. And the good news is you can learn to thrive, grow, and live again. That is my wish for everyone of us who has lost a child.
While I am not perfect by any means and I still have really bad days. The difference is the bad days aren’t quite as bad, and the dark times aren’t quite as dark. And as I find myself in that funk of feeling sorry for myself. I have developed my list of who in my life are my people. The ones I can call and say “I am not ok” and they will walk with me and they will coach me and cheer me on and remind me of all that is possible when I choose to make it happen.
I wish for you all moments of peace and hope as you learn to navigate this journey.