Slowing Down
When you have suffered a great loss such as your child or your spouse dying you are totally shattered. Your heart is broken into a million pieces and yet it goes on beating. You are left wondering how you will ever go on, the pain is so great and you are so fragile.
Grieving is hard work and takes a toll on our bodies. The stress of grief can lead to real physical symptoms
Loss of appetite, or overeating for comfort.
Lack of motivation or energy.
You may have aches and pains you didn’t before.
You may feel anxious in situations that never made you anxious before.
You might not be able to sleep or you may find you want to sleep all of the time.
You may be angry all the time.
You may experience difficulty breathing.
You may have chest pains.
There is a real physical response called “Broken Heart Syndrome” or Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. It develops after a period of intense emotional stress. You have all the signs of a heart attack without an actual blockage in your heart. It affects your hearts ability to pump blood effectively. It is real and it can be deadly. As a cardiac nurse I have taken care of many patients with this syndrome. If you find yourself experiencing sudden onset of chest pains and shortness of breath seek emergency medical treatment immediately.
If you broke a leg you wouldn’t get up on it the next day and try to run a marathon. If you go to the hospital and have surgery to remove an appendix you wouldn’t get up the next day and go back to work. You will need time to rest and to heal.
It’s no different when your heart has been broken and you have suffered great loss. You need time to slow down to rest and to begin the healing process. It is ok to say “no” to invitations you just don’t feel up to accepting. Give yourself permission to slow down and let your body and your heart heal.
When Mike died I started back to work gradually. I had an understanding boss. I worked 1 day the first week back. Then increased to 2 days for several weeks. Then 3 days for a month. Then eventually went to my 4 10 hour shifts. It took me several months to get to the 4 days a week. I asked to be taken out of the procedure room and take care of patients pre and post procedure and I didn’t take call for emergencies after hours and weekends. I needed to be sure I could get adequate rest and didn’t need the added stress of emergencies at that time.
I was blessed in the fact that I could take it slow and work back gradually. I had an intermittent FMLA and on days I just didn’t think I could make it. I had the option to call in and say “I just can’t do it today.” My work family were, for the most part, supportive and helpful during that time. And I am choosing to remember those that helped and reached out to me to ask me daily if I was ok. Those who were understanding and helpful.
We all will grieve in our own way and in our own time. What worked for me may not work for you. You can test out different things and keep what works for you and ignore the rest. Some people want to go back to work, to get out and focus on something besides their loss for 8-10 hours a day. Some people can’t face the the thought of working so soon after a loss. Whatever works for you, do it. And if you try it and it doesn’t work you don’t have to keep doing it.
Some ideas for self care and healing as you grieve
Listen to your body if you need to rest. Rest.
If you need to talk seek out a safe family member, friend, or bereavement therapist/coach and ask if you can get together to talk on phone or over coffe or tea.
Lower your expectations of yourself. Know it is ok to not do it all as you would have before your loss. Grief fog is real. If you find yourself not remembering things be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some grace to accept you wont be able to accomplish as much in a day as you did prior to your loss.
Keep lists and notes of important dates and items.
Set reminders in your phone to alert you of appointments or tasks that you want to accomplish.
if you forget appointments, or if you find yourself driving and not really sure where you were supposed to be going. be kind to yourself. It is all very normal following a loss to have those days.
Slow down and allow yourself to heal.
Give yourself permission to feel all of the emotions.
Try to maintain a healthy diet,
Try to move a bit each day. Even if it is only to go the mailbox and back.
Celebrate the good in every day. Some days it might be that you got up and took a shower. In the beginning I considered it a good day if I remembered to change my underwear.
when you are ready reach out to a therapist, join a support group, talk to your doctor. There are resources out there to support you as you grieve . You probably will not have the energy to find them on your own.
Be willing and open to search for them and ask for referrals and help to get the support you need.
I am a bereaved mother and a Certified Grief Coach. I would love to talk with you and help you learn that hearts can heal after great loss.
When you are ready schedule a 30 minute FREE discovery call and we can decide if we are a good fit to work together.
Until you have a hope of your own, let me give you some of mine.
XOXO,
Coach Laura