Pregnancy and Infant Loss
You all know that my adult son, Michael died in 2016. What you might not know is that I also had 2 miscarriages prior to the birth of my 2 sons. One in 1989 and one in 1990.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. When your baby dies your hope of being a parent dies too. Miscarriage is the death of a baby in the womb at less than 20 weeks gestation. Stillbirth is the death of a baby in the womb past 20 weeks gestation. Your dreams of holding your baby and watching them grow are gone. In some cases the parents never told family or friends about the pregnancy and they are left to grieve alone.
The death of an infant is one of the most devasting losses a family will ever face. Parents need love, compassion and support to get through the days months and years following their baby’s death. It is frightening to even think about the possibility of another pregnancy and the possibility of another loss.
We are not good with grief in this country. You get 3 bereavement days off work and that is it. Your family and friends may show up in the early stages and soon after life goes back to normal for them. You, meanwhile, are wondering if you will ever even get out of bed again. You feel lost and alone.
If you have suffered pregnancy or infant loss there are some things you can do to help you recover and heal from the trauma of loss.
Tell your family that their calls and visits are important to your.
Decide if you are ready to talk about your loss. If you are tell them it is ok to ask questions. If you aren’t tell them honestly you are not ready to talk about it yet. You get to choose what and how much to share.
Tell your family and friends it is ok if they don’t know what to say. You may hear some unhelpful things like “It was for the best”, “you are young you can have more babies”, or “at least you have another child.” Try to remember they are trying to relate and simply have no clue what to say to you.
If you have other children ask for help when you need it. Many people want to help they just aren’t sure what you nee. Saying something like “could you come stay with Emily for an hour so I can rest?” This is so often hard for grieving parents to do, but your friends will be grateful that you turned to them and trusted them enough to ask for their support.
As difficult as it is try to take care of yourself physically. As you are healing physically from the birth of your child. Try to eat healthy meals, rest when you need to. Get a bit of exercise every day. Avoid buffering with junk foods, alcohol, and drugs. Seek support from your doctor, therapist, friend, or support group. Talking with people who have been there and totally understand what you are going through is helpful.
If you know a family or a couple who has been impacted by pregnancy and infant loss there are some practical things you can do to show your support and concern to the family or couple.
Show up. Be there. Bring a meal. Let them talk about their baby.
Do not say “at least you have another child” or “you are young you can have more babies.”
Acknowledge their loss
If you can’t find the right words to say just give them a hug and say “I am so sorry for your loss.”
Call, text or check in and ask “how are you really doing?’
Send cards to let them know you care
Call the baby by their name. (even if they were named after death).
Encourage the parents to share their feelings, stories, and memories of the pregnancy, or infancy.
Share your memories if you have them. The worst feeling in the world is thinking that our babies have been forgotten.
Allow the parents the privacy. Don’t push beyond what they are wanting to share.
Listen. Cry with them. Love them.
If there are other siblings in the home, acknowledge that they have suffered a loss too. Encourage them to talk about their feelings.
Offer to care for the other children to give the parents some time to grieve alone.
Just as you will heal physically from the pain and trauma of pregnancy loss you can heal emotionally as well. It is possible to heal from great loss. I am a certified grief coach and I can help you learn how to enjoy life again after you have suffered great loss. When you are ready schedule a free 30 minute discovery call and together we will decide if we are a good fit to work together. Until you have a hope of your own, let me give you some of mine.
XOXO,
Coach Laura